i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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