Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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