you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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