At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
