His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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