i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
