He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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