i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
