Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
