Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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