Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
