____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
