Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
