making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
