So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
