Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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