I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Randomize
