That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
