and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
