Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
tequila makes me forget i have legs
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
