I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
