Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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