i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
