Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
