Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
