Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
