Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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