so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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