porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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