textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
