I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
