you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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