His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
