i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
