either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
