And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
