apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Never joke about your clitoris.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
