i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
