How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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