No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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