sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
