I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
