Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I could have mohawked her pubes.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
