I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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