The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
