you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
