thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
