I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
This toilet bowl is my home.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
