ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
