Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
