If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I know her cup size but not her name....
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