is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
