My Higher Power is John Stamos
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my being single is dangerous.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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